Common Myths That Men Believe That Stop Them From Seeking Therapy

There’s no denying that psychotherapy is a predominantly “female” space.  According to the CDC, women are significantly more likely than men to seek mental health treatment.  Some research suggests that as many as 70% of mental health clients identify as female.  Furthermore, the vast majority of therapists in the US are women.  Therapist gender is known to influence men’s willingness to enter therapy initially, although it shows little effect on clinical outcomes.  In short, women are more likely to seek therapy and to be therapists.

All this is to say is that your typical dude may feel less inclined to try therapy, even if he can’t cite the statistics.  What many men can “cite,” however, is a litany of beliefs and cultural stigmas about therapy, what to expect from it, and why therapy “isn’t for them.” As a male therapy provider and client, I have a few things to say about these common beliefs men hold about therapy.

Myths about Therapy for Men

“Therapy’s for women”

Short answer: No.  This is some toxic masculinity-driven bullshit.  Therapy is for everybody.  Full stop.

Longer answer: I understand why you feel that way.  Like I mentioned above, it's mostly women who are therapists and therapy clients.  The media also portrays therapy as sitting around talking about your feelings, which might not be something you’ve ever done before and tends to be something we associate with women. Therapy’s association with women doesn’t make it inherently a bad thing (that idea is the toxic part), but I understand why it’s an uncomfortable thing.

Most men today are okay with women doing things that used to be male-dominated, like having jobs and holding public office.  Heck, even reading and driving were once male-dominated activities.  Women had to do some pretty uncomfortable things to be included in those spaces.

The flip side is that female-dominated activities have some pretty cool perks that you’re missing out on as a man.  You might need to get a little uncomfortable, but it’s truly worth the effort to discover your inner world, have better relationships, and become a more well rounded human.

“I’m fine.  I don’t need to talk about my feelings.”

In my experience, men don’t tolerate their own vulnerability very well.  This whole, “I’m fine, I don’t need to talk about my feelings” thing is really just man-speak for, “I’m afraid I’ll feel emasculated if I open up.”  You definitely might, but a trusting alliance with your therapist should mitigate this.  I believe that taking ownership of your more vulnerable emotions and speaking about them honestly can make you invincible.   

Also, therapy isn’t ALL about talking about your feelings.  I offer a therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that requires less talking and involves more experiencing.  Many men have reported that after EMDR they feel lighter and less stressed, and memories that used to plague them now feel distant. 

“Men don’t actually feel much”

Actually, men do feel much.  We possess complex human brains that experience and process emotion.  We live and function in the world, just like women do.  We have families and childhoods and friendships and hardships.  We have hopes and dreams.  We experience all the same life stuff that evokes emotion.  Emotion helps us navigate through that life stuff.  

The reason so many men believe they “don’t actually feel much” is because, unlike women, we’re socialized to suppress our feelings.  And suppress we do, often so deeply that many of us don’t recognize our emotions as they happen.  

Instead you may notice it’s hard to sleep, you want to play video games all day, you avoid friends or family, you’re watching porn, you’re spending all your time working, or you’re spending your weekends partying.  Underlying all of those activities are the emotions that are driving them that you just haven’t learned to identify yet.  I’m not here to judge you, but I assure you, you are feeling emotions and they are coming out in more ways than you realize.

Don’t get me wrong.  It may be more or less appropriate to emote depending on the situation.  It’s great if you’re the guy who can hold things together in a crisis.   Therapy won’t magically turn you into someone who cries at Hallmark movies either. But this notion that men “don’t feel much” is pure crap.  Besides, suppressing your feelings is actually really bad for you.

“You’ll feel good after every appointment”

When men do decide to start therapy, sometimes they stop too soon because they thought it would be worth it if they could feel great after every appointment. 

While “letting it out” may provide relief sometimes, therapy isn’t about making us feel good all the time.  It’s about giving us the space to express feelings we wouldn’t necessarily express elsewhere.  Sometimes that can be uncomfortable or even painful in the moment, especially if what we’re expressing has been “bottled up” for a long time.  The long-term effects can be healing and cathartic, but it might not feel that way initially.  It’s just like exercising: in order to get the results, we need to put in the work.  Sometimes the work sucks.

Fortunately, what I also know to be true about men is that we’re usually up for a challenge.  We know how to do the hard work to accomplish our goals at work, at the gym, or in our favorite video game.  So if it helps to see personal growth as a goal and therapy as a means to get there, keep trying it for a little longer and see what kinds of results you get. 

So be a man and cry a little.  It’s actually good for you. 

And book a therapy session so you don’t have to figure it all out alone.  

Schedule a free consultation call and we can talk: man to man.

About the author

Micah Shapiro, LCSW, PMH-C, is a therapist and father of two who specializes in helping new dads navigate the emotional and identity challenges that come with early fatherhood. As one of only four male clinicians in Illinois certified in Perinatal Mental Health, he understands firsthand how easily confidence can unravel when you're sleep-deprived, out of your depth, and convinced everyone else is doing this better than you. When he's not working with clients, he's usually walking his pup or cavorting about with his wife and two young sons, still adding to his own highlight reel of parenting moments he'd rather not forget. If the "bad dad" thoughts are getting loud, Micah provides a judgment-free space where you can finally say that out loud and start working through it.

Micah offers virtual therapy for men, including EMDR trauma therapy, across the state of Illinois.