Why Am I Always Angry? A View From the Therapy Room

As I’ve discussed previously, anger is a recurring theme with many of my psychotherapy clients.  It bears repeating that many of us feel angry, often for good reason.  Lord knows, there are plenty of good reasons to feel angry these days.  What I find problematic isn’t so much that people feel angry, it’s that people frequently behave angrily without recognizing why they feel that way.  As a therapist, I fervently believe that exploring our anger, instead of suppressing it, can dramatically improve our behavior and relationships.

How anger often feels

What is anger?

You know it well.  The reddening face, the clenching fists, the tightening chest.  It’s hard to define, but let’s give it a try.  My favorite definition of anger is, a strong, passionate desire to restore a situation to the way we think it should be.  The “strong, passionate” part often involves hostile feelings, intentions, or behaviors directed toward the issue at hand.

What causes anger?

Anger usually stems from two basic antecedent emotions.  Everything that makes you angry will probably boil down to one or both of the following:

1. “My needs aren’t being met.”  You have a need for closeness in your marriage, but your spouse won’t have sex with you.  You have a need for power and prestige, but your company won’t promote you.  You have a need to feel respected, but someone pantses you in public.  You have a need for parental nurturance, but you don’t receive any.

2. Shame.  You did something that made me dislike myself.  I can’t tolerate that, so I’m angry at you.  

Where’s all this anger coming from?

Somewhere deeper than you realize.

Emotions are like an iceberg

Human emotions are complex, layered processes activated by lived experiences.  A good metaphor for emotions is the iceberg: a small part is visible while the majority is concealed beneath the surface.  In emotional terms, “visibility” refers to what’s observable by other people, while “concealment” refers to what stays unexpressed (or “invisible”) in your mind and body.

When my clients complain about “all this anger,” they’re not describing a single iceberg, they’re describing a series of icebergs that have lined up over time.  Every time a lived experience fails to meet our needs or makes us feel ashamed and goes unaddressed, the visible anger gets taller and pointier, or more visible and unsettling.  Repeat that process ten, fifty, a hundred, or a thousand times, and what you have is chronic anger capable of repeatedly inflicting pain both intra- and inter-personally. Conversely, when the underlying feelings do get addressed, the visible anger gets shorter and…less pointy.  That’s the goal of therapy.

How do I stop feeling angry?

A better question is, "How can I feel safe enough to express anger?"

First of all, stop labeling your anger as “a problem.”  Like all the emotions on this wheel, anger is a normal and necessary part of being a person in the world.  Inevitably, each of us encounters people, issues, or situations we disagree with, sometimes strongly.  You have a right to feel that way. A person who’s never exposed to anger-inducing situations is living way too sheltered a life.  Call me Mr. T, but I pity the fool who never feels angry.  Anger isn’t some Balrog lurking in the depths of Khazad Dum, and you don’t have to be Gandalf to face it.  “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

Second, stop avoiding your anger.  We don’t need to minimize anger to feel more happiness.  If something makes you angry, say, “I feel angry.”  When we choose not to express anger, the anger invariably gets “bottled up” until the internal pressure becomes unbearable and we explode.  Don’t do that to yourself, or to your friends, or to your family.

Third, start working with a therapist in Illinois who can help you explore and release all the complicated, layered emotions hidden beneath the surface of your anger.  When my therapy clients report problems with chronic anger, I always ask a simple question:

“What’s making you angry?”

They usually rattle off a list of stressors related to everyday problems, like work, friends, money, and relationships.  When I ask them to explore more deeply, they’ll often reveal life-long attachment issues (or “hidden” emotions) they’ve never dealt with.  “My mother hit me.” “Dad wasn’t around.” “My sister picked on me and my parents didn’t stop her.”

Therapy is like digging for gold.  I’m basically a feelings prospector, complete with pickaxe and overalls.

As a reward for putting up with all my mixed metaphors, I offer you this summary.  You’re angry because you don’t talk about why you’re angry.  And the more you don’t talk about it, the harder it gets to manage.  So let’s talk about it.

Additional Therapy Services at Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates, PLLC

Teaching how to cope with anger is one of many services I offer as a therapist and owner of Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates, PLLC.  I also provide specialized therapy for anxiety, depression, new parenthood, and more. With a wealth of experience and specialized training in diverse therapeutic approaches, I can tailor my services to meet your unique needs. Let's work together to address your challenges and pave the way toward a happier, more fulfilling life. Reach out today to begin your journey.