Why Do I Miss My Pre-Fatherhood Phase--and Feel Guilty Admitting It?

Becoming a dad is the happiest moment of your life, they said. You'll love your child and do anything for them, they said. And they're not wrong. Looking at your newborn's tiny face is unlike anything you've ever experienced before. Maybe you've longed for this your whole life.

So why do you suddenly miss your old life? Things were so simple back then, and so free. No need to schedule your social life around naptimes, or even schedule it period. Your friends were always down to clown at a moment's notice. You never worried about things like, "Am I doing this right?" You were able to sleep all night, every night. Or you got to party all night, if that was your thing. Now you can't do any of that. Now you're sleep deprived and elbow deep in poopy dipes. This sucks, you think. I hate this.

Then your dad guilt hits. What kind of dad thinks like that? I'm the worst.

Actually, you're not. Your life landscape might be earthquaking, but that's normal. Let's get into it.

The Grief They Didn't Warn You About

Fatherhood giveth joy, but it also taketh away your freedom to do, to go, to experience without feeling tied down. Those days were awesome, and you miss them. That doesn't mean you're ungrateful for this new chapter; it just means you're grieving the loss of a version of yourself you enjoyed being.

That person you were got to enjoy:

• Old routines and doing things spontaneously

• A personal identity outside of being "Dad"

• Having fun with his partner

• Being in control of his time and energy

We don't only grieve when someone dies. We also grieve when life changes faster than our nervous systems can process. Adding a child to your life and assuming the role of parent is one of the biggest life changes you'll ever experience.

Week after week, I speak with men shocked by this emotional whiplash. They consistently report feeling pressured to "man up," be supportive, and keep moving forward. Society gives little space for new dads to process the internal conflict of loving their babies while also missing their former selves. That's a problem.

Why the Guilt Feels So Overwhelming

Society also preaches binary thinking. Either/or, this or that, one or the other. Two things can't be true at once. Many new dads feel this unspoken tension when confronted with their new circumstances. I can love my child, or I can miss my old life. If I miss my old life, that must mean I don't love my child enough.

WRONG.

Two seemingly opposing feelings can (and often do) coexist. You can love your child and mourn your old life at the same time. Both are true. As men, we're socialized to prefer clarity and solvable problems. We don't like confusion, ambivalence, or unanswerable questions. Experiencing love and loss at the same time feels contradictory, so many new dads judge themselves for it.

Why? It's because men tend to internalize guilt. We're taught that emotional struggle equals weakness. When being a new dad creates anxiety, sadness, or resentment, it clashes with society's expectation that men must be steady, strong, and unaffected. This dissonance leads to the "worst" emotion of them all, the one men avoid at all cost...

...shame.

Men don't do shame well. We can't discuss it because that makes us look "weak," so we suppress it. But here's the thing about the human nervous system: it can only contain so much. Feelings manifest whether we want them to or not. When we suppress shame, it eventually shows up in other ways, such as irritability, withdrawal, overworking, emotional numbness, or feelings of detachment. Detachment is the exact opposite of what Mom and Baby need from us right now.

Postpartum Adjustments Aren't Just For Mom

Cisgendered men don't carry or birth the children, but that doesn't mean we're biologically and psychologically unaffected in the perinatal phase. We too experience the hormonal shifts, the sleep deprivation, the health issues caused by sleep deprivation, the increased responsibility, and the identity changes.

New dads may feel:

• Heightened anxiety about keeping their family safe

• Fear of failing as a parent or provider

• Loss of purpose or identity

• Depression in the form of anger or shutdown

• Guilt for wanting alone time

If that's you, here's the good news: you're not a bad dad. It means you're adjusting to your new life without a roadmap. It feels like life just poked out your eyeballs and then forced you to drive a car. How's that working for you?

Missing Your Old Self Doesn't Mean You'd Go Back

Missing who you were before parenthood doesn't mean you regret becoming one. Oftentimes, what you really miss is:

• Feeling confident and competent

• Having autonomy over your time

• Feeling emotionally balanced

Being a new dad can make you feel like a beginner again. Suddenly, you're uncertain, reactive, and stretched too thin, feelings you may not have grappled with for a while. Missing your old self means you long to feel grounded and whole. It doesn't mean you want to erase your child from your life. If you do want to erase your child from your life, that's a whole other conversation.

Postpartum Therapy for Men Can Help

Postpartum therapy for men isn't about "fixing" you, because you're not actually broken. Postpartum therapy for men creates a non-judgmental space for you to unpack these confusing feelings and integrate your "old" self with the person you're becoming.

A good postpartum therapist can help you:

• Normalize your emotions

• Process grief around identity changes

• Turn down the shame and guilt

• Develop skills for coping with anxiety

• Build a new sense of self that includes your new identity as a new father

I love my kid, but I'm struggling. I will gladly be the first person you say that to.

Let's Redefine What "Good Dad" Means

A good dad is someone who models emotional awareness, seeks support when necessary, and learns how to take care of himself. These don't make you selfish, they make you present. Your baby needs a dad who can navigate hard emotions in healthy ways, not a dad who silently drowns in guilt.

Go Ahead. Be Both.

So let's ditch the binary, "either/or" thinking and replace it with "yes/and" thinking. You can grieve and feel grateful. You can love your baby and miss your pre-parenthood phase. You can be a devoted dad and still want parts of yourself back.

Fatherhood is about becoming someone new, not erasing who you were. That process takes time, support, and self-compassion.

Ready to Begin Postpartum Therapy for Men Des Plaines to Process Identity Loss and Guilt?

If you find yourself scrolling through old photos of trips you used to take, feeling a pang of loss when you pass your favorite bar, or catching yourself thinking "I miss who I used to be"—and then immediately feeling ashamed for even having those thoughts—you're not a bad father. You're a normal person adjusting to one of the most profound identity shifts life can bring.

The resentment that creeps in sometimes, the distance you feel from your partner, the sense that you don't recognize yourself anymore—these aren't character flaws. They're signs that you need space to process a major life transition. Loving your child deeply and missing your old life aren't mutually exclusive feelings, but the guilt that comes with admitting it can be crushing.

At Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates PLLC, postpartum therapy for men Des Plaines with a postpartum therapist in Des Plaines, IL offers a safe space to work through these conflicting emotions without judgment. You can learn to integrate your identity as a dad with the person you still are underneath, find peace with what's changed, and let go of the guilt that's keeping you stuck. Here's how to take the first step:

• Schedule an appointment with Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates PLLC.

• Talk with a postpartum therapist in Des Plaines, IL, who won't judge you for missing your old life and understands the identity shifts fathers experience.

• Begin working through the grief, guilt, and identity confusion so you can show up as both a present father and a whole person.

Other Services Offered by Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates, PLLC in Des Plaines, Illinois

At Shapiro Psychotherapy Associates PLLC, I offer therapy tailored to men who are navigating the identity shifts, role changes, and complex emotions that come with new fatherhood. Whether you're struggling with guilt about missing your pre-baby life, feeling disconnected from your sense of self, grieving the loss of spontaneity and freedom, or wrestling with resentment you're afraid to voice, therapy can help you make sense of these feelings and move forward without shame.

Our work may draw from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you hold conflicting emotions without judgment and live in alignment with your values, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to challenge the guilt-driven thoughts that keep you feeling like a bad father, Internal Family Systems (IFS) to explore the different parts of yourself that are in conflict, or Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) to help you stay present instead of trapped in what you've lost. Each approach is grounded in evidence-based care designed to meet you exactly where you are.

You don't have to pretend you're fine or hide the parts of this transition that are genuinely hard. With specialized experience in men's mental health and the emotional complexities of fatherhood, I provide a space where you can be honest about missing your old life, understand why the guilt feels so heavy, and begin to build a version of fatherhood that doesn't require you to lose yourself completely. Reach out today to take the next step toward feeling whole, present, and able to embrace fatherhood without abandoning who you are.